Sucidal Dreams

i jus need to blab my feelings out. dunwan read den don't. aint forcin ya.

i know its practically nothing to all of you guys but if you think if it's nothing then why is it bothering me till i could just... kill myself? anything... anything to get away.
i felt like i recently found out my worst supressed fear. well not exactly recently but i guess when it finally happened & i got sooo defeated. like everythin in life do not matter no more. i can't let go of the past. why is it so. everytime i wrecked my mind & soul. everything that happens in the present brings me back to de past. this feeling.... it feels like a hot flushed feeling of "confused fear" washed over me. my cheeks burn up, my body stiff, my feelings all hurt & trampled on. u know... somethin like a feeling of gettin betrayed and there is nothing you can do at all. hapless. yar. nothing you can do... i hate it. i can literally feel the pure fear... the hurts the pain. i've set my whole life to become like tis... i cannot trust anymore... no matter how hard i try to do the right thing, somehow somewhere inside my head, there's this consistent irritant nudging, constantly reminding me of it deep down. Out comes the supressed fear, & all i can do to get away from this feelings is thoughts of death. it's like it hits me so freakin bad, i'll literally go crazy... i do not want to be like those auntie who becomes mentally insane & start scolding ppl out of the blue.. i've got a feeling i will become like them one day.. totally stressed to the point that thier minds come to an end...

i... i don't know what to do..

i need counselling while i'm still sane... before i waste away & lose it...
quiet me down love...

one of my fave old songs besides novacain. kinda relates... lol.. the irony..

I dream about, how it's going to end,
Approaching me quickly,
Leaving a life of fear,
I only want my mind to be clear,
People, making fun of me,
For no reason but jealousy,
I fantasise about my death,
I'll kill myself from holding my breath,

My suicidal dream,
Voices telling me what to do,
My suicidal dream,
I'm sure you will get yours too,

Help me, comfort me,
Stop me from feeling what I'm feeling now,
The rope is here,
Now I'll find a use,
I'll kill myself,
I'll put my head in a noose,

My suicidal dream,
Voices telling me what to do,
My suicidal dream,
I'm sure you will get yours too,

Dreamin' about my death, dream,
Suicidal, suicidal, suicidal dream,
I'm suicidal,
Suicidal dream.