Crimes of Fashion

Stella McCartney

Stella’s just messin’ with us here, isn’t she?

Seriously, she can’t actually be expecting people to spend almost $1000 on these two items, which look like they might have come from Walmart in the 80s, or from your kid’s first sewing class?

Can she?

Really?

Oh.

(Click here to buy them.)

This is not a shirt!

This is a dress. Or at least, it is according to Joe’s Jeans, who’re selling it.

The strangest thing about this? It’s completely sold out at Shopbop, which suggests that there could be a whole lot of women walking around right now looking like they totally forgot to put their pants on this morning.

We wish we knew where they all lived: that would be a fairly amusing sight, no?

Jil Sander Sack dress

 Saks would have you believe that this Jil Sander creation is a “bubble gown”.  Well we’re calling them out on that, and telling you that it’s a sack.  A dry-clean only, cotton/nylon/elastane sack, but still a sack.  Stitch up the bottom and you could carry all sorts in it.

So how much are they charging for this sack dress? Does $2,675 sound reasonable to you?

Reader Lindsay also spotted this at Net-a-Porter, where it is sold out(!). Who buys this stuff?  Who?

Saks Fifth Avenue still have it in stock however, and will be glad to relieve you of yoursense money here.

Prada's lace up platforms

These £510 Prada “flatforms” are so popular there is currently a waiting list for them.

If someone has a reasonable explanation why this has come to pass, we’d love to hear it.

Marble wash shorts?

Oh, for Gaga’s sake! Marble wash shorts with sheer tights? Really? We’re going to do that? Because we can’t imagine anything worse than that, really.

Oh. Right. It’s like that, is it? Those shorts and tights are actually starting to look quite good now, aren’t they?

(Click here to buy them)

DSQUARED's dungaree jumpsuit

With all the talk of Guantanamo Bay over the last decade it was only a matter of time before the famous orange jumpsuit found its place on the catwalk. Yup, thanks toDSQUARED2 you can now walk down the street looking every bit the escaped prisoner. Although we’re not sure they’d let you pair your jumpsuit with stiletto heels on the inside – you know, for practical reasons, health and safety…

If this look is your bag, you can grab the jumpsuit from Yoox.com.

Givenchy's silk jumpsuit

So, this looks bad, right?

But THIS?

This looks, much, MUCH worse.

We’re sure there’s no explanation necessary here.

It’ll cost you £1,839 to look like this. Click here to do it.

Vivienne Westwood's removable bum bag

“Bondage shorts with removable bum bag”. There’s just nothing right about that sentence, is there?

There’s not much right about the shorts, either:

Why would you want a bag attached to your butt? It has a strap: why not use it? Where does bondage come into it? Where are the peep toe boots you’d obviously wear with these, in observance of the Peep Toe Boot Rule? Why are these cute shoes being paired with “bondage shorts with attached bum bag”.

So many questions, readers. If you have answers, feel free to share them. If you just want to buy these, click here to do it.

Belly buttons are the new black

“Oh, what a shame,” you’re probably thinking. “This poor model forgot to fasten up the front of her dress! Still, at least she can just do up those buttons, and all will be well!”

BUT.

There aren’t actually any buttons to put into the button holes. And that zip doesn’t go all the way up. You could always wear something under it, but to do that would be to ruin the “edgy” nature of the dress, and you wouldn’t want that, would you?

Basically, then, you’re stuck with flaunting your belly and breastbone every time you wear it. We wonder how long it’ll be before Keira Knightley shows up in it somewhere?

(This is by Maison Martin Margiela: click here to buy it)

Melissa Gaetano pesce flat boots

We’re all used to Melissa’s plastic shoes by now, and we’re actually rather fond of some of them (step forward, the Lady Dragon line, by Vivienne Westwood), so we thought we were totally over the “OMG PLASTIC SHOES!” reflex that seems to kick in for many people when presented with the sight of a pair of Melissas. (And yes, we know, they smell like bubblegum. And yes, they’re plastic. We don’t care, though, as long as they’re cute…)

Apparently not, though, because these Melissa Gaetano Pesce Flat Boots still had the power to make us stop in our tracks and try to imagine how on earth we’d wear them, and what with. We’re totdally drawing a blank on that one, though, so if you have some ideas, feel free to tell us all about them. Meanwhile, what we can tell you is that these are £78, they’re available at ASOS (click here to buy a pair), and they come with either a shiny black upper, or a totally clear one, which you should be able to view your slightly-distorted-thanks-to-the-bubbles feet through.

What you think of them?